YOU can't trust anyone these days. There I was waiting patiently in the canteen for my lunch and chatting politely to the manager when he dropped a bombshell on me.
"So the old chef has left then, has he?" I asked innocently.
"Oh, you mean Dirty," he replied.
"Dirty, why do you call him that?" I inquired, dreading his answer as I did so.
"He was a very dirty man. Dirty kitchen, never washed his hands, even when he had been to the loo. A filthy individual."
Oh my God, I thought. The bloke had been working in the canteen for well over a year - and I had eaten there nearly every day.
"Do you not think you might have told me about this a bit earlier?" I wondered aloud.
"Didn't think, really."
I'm surprised we haven't all dropped down with Salmonella poisoning.
We've got a new security guard, too, who we have nicknamed Son of Len. The old Len was what the more unkind members of our staff would dub a jobsworth. He was shifted off to our printing press in the bay, making way for his clone, Son of Len, to move effortlessly into his place.
Last night we spent a highly amusing few seconds watching Son of Len do his famous impression of The Terminator. As he walked through the front car park a car alarm went off and he span viciously on his heels and used his x ray stare to try and locate the offending vehicle. You could just see the cogs whirring in his little brain as the data registered. "Does not compute, does not compute".
This was followed by another car alarm, from another direction, and once again Son of Len swung into action. If he had been in possession of an Uzi the cars in the vicinity would have been sprayed with bullet holes. This scenario continued a few more times until it seemed Son of Len was going to self-destruct, the chaotic confusion causing his circuit boards to overload. As he wobbled off towards the side lodge we were doubled up on the pavement.
"Hasta La Vista, Son of Len."
A few beers later and it was off to the chip shop for saveloy, battered sausage, chips and curry sauce. Some of my colleagues have commented on the distinct lack of recipes and cooking on a blog entitled What I Cooked Last Night.