MANY years after that brilliant film The Usual Suspects debuted on our screens, I can confirm that the arch villain of the piece, kayser soze, is alive and well and acting as political journalist/moaning minnie on the Wales on Sunday newspaper.
The strange thing is that Kayser won't even know this piece is about him on account of the fact he never watches films - or TV - or anything else connected with popular culture for that matter. He just sits in his room crying all night, or planning his latest fraud.
On Wednesday, just like the slow-witted cop in the above-mentioned film, we realised far too late that Kayser was in our midst. He was sitting there, grimacing and moaning about the crippling injury he had suffered that forced him to hobble everywhere at a snail's pace.
He even had a few words of sympathy from the rest of us, who took it easy on him as one by one we opted to go to the Bar to refurnish our gathered entourage of Usual Suspects with beers.
Then, suddenly, Kayser felt the need to visit the toilet, no doubt in order to make room for more booze. As he hobbled away everyone was too busy discussing the merits of obscure bands to monitor his movements.
I, however, just happened to look up to see his limp change gradually into a slow walk, then a faster walk, until all signs of his supposed disability had disappeared.
Then... poof, he was gone, down to the little boy's room at the bottom of the stairs.
I'd like to say never to be seen again, but unfortunately Withers (for it was he) returned soon afterwards, hobbling badly once again. Well, he still had more than half a pint left, didn't he?
Now I've revealed his true identity, I am expecting a solicitor's letter on behalf of the Wonderful One, claiming that I've smeared his character.
I fully expect it to be signed by Mr Kobayashi himself.
THE Robot has left our midst, and a hush has descended over our quiet little corner of Meeja Wales. No longer will we be blessed with his spouting of irrelevant or totally obscure facts throughout the day. No longer will he interrupt every conversation on the sports desk with his own poignant thoughts on rugby, or cricket, or indeed the biathlon.
You see, the Robot is emigrating to Finland with his young lady. I hope the cold doesn't interfere too much with his circuit boards.
I must admit, though, despite his constant bantering he will be greatly missed. He was a valued member of the team, just like R2D2 was a vital component of the Millennium Falcon and the robot on Lost In Space called, quite simply, "Robot" was an important figure in the plot, even if all he appeared to do was whiz around shouting "warning, warning".
For the last few weeks he has been stuck in a similar mode, repeating to everyone who knows him (and many who don't): "By the way, did you know I am leaving. Yes, that's right, I'm emigrating to Finland - this is my last month/week/day*)" *Delete as appropriate.
One of his colleagues Rob Norman "the conqueror" put it nicely the other day when the Robot disappeared on yet another extended lunch hour: "Bang the bell, Robot's on the bus."
Best of luck, Robot. Keep on whirring!