"I'VE got a Rat in mi kitchen, don't know what I'm gonna do.
"Got a Rat in mi kitchen, don't know what I'm gonna do...
"Gonna fix that rat, that's what I'm gonna do..."
Well, maybe, but I think I am going to leave it up to the council man when he arrives on Monday afternoon to interrupt my likely hangover from hell after the nifty fifty birthday bash that Mrs R and I have arranged for Racks Wine Bar in Clifton through Sunday afternoon and into Sunday evening.
Back to the rat. It is probably a mouse, to be quite honest, but UB40 didn't sing about a mouse in their kitchen and probably wouldn't have been able to spit the words with such venom if that was the case.
Anyhoo, the other day Mrs R called to me while working on her computer in the dining room, claiming she had heard some scurrying. I was quick to arrive on the scene but, hearing nothing untoward myself, just put it down to my pregnant wife's new superhearing powers on the basis her senses seem to be working overtime - at least, she seems to be woken at every grumble, squeak and snore I come out with in the night.
Still, to be on the safe side she rang the council and booked for a man to come and rid us of our vermin infestation.
The following day and I was in the kitchen preparing my dinner and thought I would check the bottom cupboard pasta supplies. Pretty soon the evidence was abundantly clear. Previously unopened packs of rice, dried pasta and the like had little chew marks in the corner, allowing the little rotter in question to have a good old feast at our expense.
Now, if it was a good rodent like Ratatouille you would think it would rustle us up a tasty bolognaise for us but, oh no, it just eats its fill of uncooked carbs then retires to somewhere under the floorboards leaving a mess behind it.
Scrambling on the floor with a pencil torch we found a hole where one of the pipes enters the kitchen, and the back of the cupboard has also been chewed through.
We've now bought one of those devices that lets off an ear-splitting noise (to mouse ears, we can't hear it) and also sends out magnetic pulses via the electrics in the house which affects the mouse's nervous system. I can see it cowering away now, claiming "Ooh, I really don't feel myself today... think I've got some kind of bug. Maybe I'd better get out of the house."
Or maybe not.
We shall see...