SCOOBY reckons he has a cure for my insomnia. He's lent me a CD entitled "How to help you meditate and sleep". It almost worked.
The meditation bit lasted 10 minutes and got me in the mood, then it was on to the sleep section. It promises you "A full uninterrupted night's sleep".
To say I'm sceptical is an understatement but I lie there and let the calm and sultry voice of the lady narrator wash over me.
"Your body is starting to feel heavy - your arms feel heavy, your legs feel heavy, your body feels heavy, but your mind is still awake". She says this to the background of some gentle harp playing. It's extremely soothing.
It's also working. Before long I feel like a block of cement. The voice continues...
"You are navigating a rowing boat down a river. You are surrounded by greenery. It's a beautiful day and the sun is high in the sky. Ahead of you is a clearing in some trees, this is your sanctuary..."
Mmm, it looks great, so inviting. I feel my body and mind drifting along on the smooth waves of the voice.
"You reach your destination and climb out. You have nothing to worry about, nothing at all. Just find a peaceful spot under a tree and lie down. Let yourself relax. You are now ready to sleep."
Yes, I am. I feel like a block of cement. My mind is tired.
"Ouch!" Suddenly something is biting at my foot but, being a block of cement, I can't move. Something's biting my big toe! "Ow, Ow, Ow!"
In this tranquil little spot, my sanctuary, a mosquito about the size of a large wasp is biting into me, sucking my blood.
My eyes spring open and I can move again. I reach down to squash the creature, then find there is absolutely nothing there. Along with my imagined sanctuary has come an imaginery flesh-eating bug.
Typical, isn't it? Even in my own personal sanctuary there's always something that can louse it up...
Having said that, I didn't have too much trouble sleeping yesterday evening. Perhaps the five pints in The Yard were a bit of a help there. Problem was I just closed my eyes for a second, fully intending to watch a busy night of European Football, Man U v Copenhagen and Celtic v Benfica. When I wake up its 10.30. Bugger.
The new barmaid had an interesting outsiders view on our top-level Tuesday afternoon Yard conferences. She has replaced the red head to which Withers took a shine.
When Withers approaches the bar, she candidly asks: "What do you lot find to talk about all afternoon?"
"I dunno," replied Withers with a shrug.
"Are you like fish?"
Neatly sums it up I think. Once more around the bowl, chaps?
Nearly forgot to eat last night. Finally settled on some thin crispbread, topped with grilled bacon and black pudding and drizzled with Brown sauce. Don't think Anthony Bourdain would be that impressed.